oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
