I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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