he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
