I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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