I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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