She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
