My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
