I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I think a kid would responsible me up
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
