i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
