I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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