Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Randomize
