last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize