Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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