i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
