the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
