I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
