my soul wont recognize me after tonight
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Two words: blizzard sex
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
