Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
