god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize