dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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