Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
