I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
