dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
My balls are so social today.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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