Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
cat food counts as protein by the way
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
