She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
