I smell stomach acid.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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