yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize