Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
