looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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