You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
