That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
