My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
