I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
