I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
