you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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