Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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