apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Less talking, more tequila
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
