I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
