Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
