fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
