i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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