He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I think my nap took me to another dimension
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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