i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
