I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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