I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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