I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
