She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
