Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
