Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
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