I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
