there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
