no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm like, not good at living.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize