I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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