i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
