you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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