Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
