Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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